I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’m sorry. I have so much to say and most of the time it flitters out of my brain before I can finish a blog post. Honestly, I haven’t been in a very inspiring mood for the past few months and that’s more likely while I’ve been absent here than present.
The truth is that this past year has presented some incredibly difficult struggles for me. I’ve spent plenty of time floundering around, re-learning lessons and figuring out where to go next. In this time, I’ve learned a lot about myself – how much I value myself and what I don’t want to do as a job in the future. One lesson I’ve learned is how I “speak” to myself negatively – when I make mistakes and also in my daily thoughts. It’s amazing how unkind you can be to yourself without stopping to realize what you’re doing and/or saying to yourself with your thoughts. If I had someone in my life who spoke to me as I did in my thoughts, I would most likely label them as toxic and decrease my interactions with them substantially – perhaps entirely. I realized I was toxic to myself. I realized that I was perhaps my own worst enemy.
I saw this behavior expressed not only in the gym (before/during & after my workouts), but in my personal life and my work life as well. I’ve been told that I have extremely high expectations of myself – the funny thing is that I don’t even realize that I’m doing this to myself. It honestly never occurred to me that the rest of the world doesn’t hold themselves to this high level of expectation. That being said, it’s hard to identify when I have unrealistic expectations (I truly don’t know that I’m projecting this on myself), but I’m trying to become better at accepting imperfection, realizing that it takes time to make progress and accepting where I am on my journey instead of berating myself for not arriving at the destination just after beginning my journey.
Tonight, I stumbled upon this Ted X video of an amputee and her speech about how she views the world and how she views adversity.
I must say that I have very similar views related to adversity (as I’ve shared here before). I think it’s just part of life’s journey. What I am unable to do is to believe in myself. I expressed to a loved one months ago that what I needed in my life was someone who unconditionally believed in ME. I felt that my father was that person in my life and I miss that terribly since he is no longer here to support me in that regard. What I’m realizing now is that I need to believe in myself as well – I can surround myself with supportive people, but if I don’t believe in myself, my journey will be exponentially more difficult. Now that I know what I need to work on, I just have to figure out how to do it.